Apr
28
Quiet
Filed Under astruc | 3 Comments
Nan and Will left today for Europe, and I am alone in their house. Nan is feeling a lot better, though there have been some setbacks. She had to have a transfusion last week. Her blood counts are low and she’s been bone tired.
I’m tired, too. I am unaccustomed to living with other people. My folks are pretty decent to live with, as far as folks go, I’m just not used to it. I’m rubbed raw. So I’m going to enjoy these next few weeks and then start thinking about the drive back to Seattle. I’ve considered staying in Florida, and I haven’t ruled it out yet, but the taxes here are scary high. I don’t really know what to do. The darkness in Seattle makes me ill and crabby, but my expenses there are small and fixed, and I really appreciate that much.
A few nights ago, Nan and I went out to the courtyard to barbeque the salmon. I slid the enormous hurricane-glass door shut behind me. And when Nan turned around to head back inside, she smashed right into it.
I don’t know who was more upset. We were both crying, she had a huge bump on her head and her face was bleeding where she got cut with her glasses. It only took us ten minutes to laugh about it, but it was a long ten minutes.
On the other hand, if I ever want to take her out, I now know how to do it!
Apr
9
Baby love
Filed Under astruc | 5 Comments
I’ve been taking care of my 11-month-old niece for a few days while her daddy is out of the country and her mommy is attending a conference. Over the last couple of years I had been warming up to the idea of becoming a single mom. I now know that it’s never going to happen. At this point I am even rethinking my intention to adopt a puppy.
And Morgy is a good baby! She is charming, funny, made of adorable, naps on command. Still, she took up every inch of my available brain space, squeezing out things like my tax return and bathing. She enjoyed teething all over my David Yurman bangles.
Weirdly, the part that was hardest was all the talking. I have lived alone my entire adult life. Keeping up the running monologue wore me out faster than playing peek-a-boo for four long hours. She doesn’t quite have the game down yet, keeps patting her ears. But we have high hopes.
I spent most of my life fairly ambivalent on the matter of having children. Arthur wanted them. I wasn’t dead set against it, but I needed some persuading. He said it would be fun watching them grow up. The matter was dropped when we broke up.
Since that time I’ve gone back and forth about it, but as the years passed I began to investigate single motherhood. I read articles by mothers, and by the children of sperm donors. I read list-servs started by single moms who’d shared a donor, and had children who were siblings. I liked this idea, since I knew I’d only do this once. It’s good to have siblings.
In the end, I’ve decided against going it alone. My life is settled. I have an enormous amount of freedom. It’s not a perfect tradeoff, but it’s still lovely. I like being able to randomly get in my car and drive 3200 miles. Some day, if the Bering Strait Bridge is ever built, I will drive to Russia.
…
In the comments, Jeanna asked What happened to Robin?
Robin is married and has an infant daughter. I am happy for him, though I’ll admit to a pang when I read about his wedding on IMDB.com. I still think about him from time to time, but more in an affectionate sort of way rather than him blocking the sun.
Once in awhile we exchange notes to say hello, but mostly we are not in touch. He does know about the book, and is prepared, but nervous.
…
Timmy (I can’t quite bring myself to call him “Tim”) and I saw Vantage Point. It was a Rashomon-esque tale of the assassination of a United States President. We were laughing so hard by the end (”RUN FORREST, RUN!”), I was worried that we’d bug the other two people in the theatre.
Apr
1
Fucking Facebook
Filed Under astruc | 6 Comments
I was mucking around with my preferences and settings last night. I removed a bunch of apps from my Facebook profile, then decided to delete all the “relationship” and “looking for” fields. It was not a process to which I gave much thought.
The next morning, I had 44 messages, between my Wall, inbox, and email. This is what subscribers to my feed saw:
That was not quite was I was going for.
…
I did four miles today, which was about one too many. My hamstrings are complaining. My youngest brother, Collie, is here for an impromptu visit. He took a post-grad trip to Argentina, and took a layover in Miami on his way back to Los Angeles. It is awesome having him here. 
Apr
1
Broken nose
Filed Under astruc | 2 Comments
I apologize for how long it is taking me to come back. I’m trying. I think about Perfect Way all the damned time. I’m a tiny bit shy all of a sudden. Also, I had brief internal drama in which I was considering moving domains, to my real name (did you know I own TastesLikeAss.com? are you jealous?). But after all this time, I am wholly branded as Sara Astruc. As an old advertising slave, I am married to my brand. Nobody knows who the hell I am. But please, if there’s any misconception that I am hiding behind my online handle, I’d like to dispel it.
It wasn’t always true, but as it stands now, there is nothing I would write as Sara that isn’t me talking. And I am all right with all the old stuff I’ve written, as well. The reason the archives are down is because I worked most of them into a book. I have no real intention of seeking out another agent or publisher. The Internet has been kind to me and I think I will do well enough on my own. One of these days I will self-publish the whole damned thing. I haven’t because it makes me terribly sad to revisit those days. It was a charmed life, for a long time. I need to look forward right now.
I was out with Timmy tonight. Maybe I should start calling him Tim now that we’re on either side of 40 years old. He said some interesting things about my parents, and how he remembered them. That back then they seemed older than the other parents (they were, Nan was 30 and David was 40-something when they had me, the eldest), more sophisticated (Nan and David both grew up in the city, as opposed to the small town in which Tim and I were raised), and less pretentious. That was nice to hear.
At my 20th high school reunion, this man approached me. I did remember him, and his name, but that is because I am a writer and I just remember names and faces. Anyway, he re-introduced himself and we reminisced a bit about eighth grade science, and then he told me that that was the year he had broken his nose.
He searched my face for recognition, and then he told me that he had been afraid to come to school because his face looked so bad. And that I had been his partner in science class, and that I had been kind to him. Told him he didn’t look that bad and took his hand and told him it was going to be fine. He said he was glad I was there so he could thank me.
And I got a little choked up, and was proud of my 13-year-old self. And I knew that this had to have been before David died, before I learned how to be so hard.
I think about David sometimes, wondering if he hated the Jews, raising us, as he did, amongst the Catholics. Tim is Catholic. So is Robin. I like Catholics, they feel like home. More so than Jews.
This bothers me on some level.
(Next up, questions and answers. Feel free to ask away.)
Mar
22
Time melts into nothing and nothing’s changed
Filed Under astruc | 16 Comments
I’ve been gone for too long. It’s really hard to get back into writing every day. I’ve been making some small effort, carrying my notebook and pen around again, jotting down small observations. And that’s about it. Right now I am waiting for the mailing list notify software to upload to my server. If I find more toys to play with, I don’t have to write!
Nan has good days and bad. I don’t think she was fully prepared for how much this was going to hurt. Her surgeon noted that this was the largest mesh ever installed laparoscopically. We’re all very proud. Trouble is, they staple that shit down. When she was recovering from the first cancer surgery, she was on a morphine drip. I think, I hope that time is just a blur for her now.
This time, Nan was punted quickly in an effort to avoid infection. So pain management hasn’t been stellar.
I have seen Timmy. I laughed so very hard when I saw what he was driving. A silver supercharged S-Type. We are two of a kind. And lo, he is no longer married.
“Stop smiling,” he said, when he told me.
The S-Type has been pulled from the next model year’s lineup, to be replaced by something that resembles a Nissan Sentra. I am very, very unhappy with this development.
So, guys, I need a favor. Ask me some questions or something. I don’t know what the hell to write about. I’ve been gone since 2002, more or less. What would you like to know?